Motivational speaker and author of The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron writes, “In limits, there is freedom. Creativity thrives within structure. Creating safe havens where our children are allowed to dream, play, make a mess, and, yes, clean it up, we teach them respect for themselves and others.” What happens when we try to over-accommodate our children is that we lose structure, and we cannot achieve what Cameron is talking about. Now, the good news is that it is relatively easy to readjust and eliminate over-accommodation.
It Is Important Not to Lose Structure in the Household
Structure in the household is important, yet many people push back against it because they feel as though structure somehow inhibits a child’s free thinking. This is especially true for many parents today.
Yes, as parents, we all want to be our kids’ friends, and we all want to be liked. However, when it comes to good parenting, this is not wholly a possibility – at least not in the traditional sense of friendship.
As parents, we can be friends with our kids by ensuring that they know they can come to us with anything. However, at the same time, they should know that there will be consequences for bad behaviors and pushing boundaries. Yes, sometimes our kids will push back against us. That is okay. It is important to remember that raising children is a long game, and standing strong now will create strength in our children as they grow into adulthood. Creating and keeping structure in the home can be one way to establish this inner strength.
What Does Loose Structure in the Household Look Like?
Now, the loose structure in the house doesn’t necessarily have to look like chaos. The home can have many set rules, yet still lack structure.
Loose structure has more to do with the lack of enforcing rules, rather than the lack of creating them. As parents, when we do not enforce set rules, we are setting an example that letting things go is okay. While this may seem inconsequential at times, say when a curfew is broken by ten minutes, in the long run, it sets dangerous precedents.
Also, not holding steadfast to one rule in the house makes it much easier for our kids to push against other rules. Ultimately, they are testing to see what they can get away with. However, if they know, right off the bat, that we are serious about all of the rules, they will think twice about pushing back against any of the rules. This seriousness about the rules must also stay in place if our children are struggling with issues of mental health and addiction. In fact, sticking to rules is perhaps even more important in these instances.
Do Not Lose Structure: What Does Over-Accommodating Look Like?
It is not uncommon to “over-accommodate” our kids when issues of mental health and/or addiction arise. This may happen for several reasons. One is that we feel guilty that their issues may have manifested out of some failure on our part. (They haven’t, by the way.)
Two is that we feel like a child who is struggling with these issues is either too sensitive or too incapable of handling too much structure in the household. This thinking process can lead to over-accommodation, and it can be much more damaging than being overly attentive to the rules of the home.
However, while it is important to stick to the rules of the home, it is also important to include the children in the rule-making. This is an often-overlooked part of creating a healthy family dynamic. Including all members of the family in rule-making ensures that these rules happen by mutual agreement rather than authoritarian demands. Remember, a family runs much better on cohesion than separation, and working on a home agreement together helps to build cohesiveness.
Do Not Lose Structure: How to Regain Authority in the Household in Recovery
However, what happens when the structure in the house is already unsteady? The first thing to understand is that structure can always be reset. Then, the second thing to know is that when the structure is out of order, it is going to take the entire family to put it back in place.
For the parents, it is important to regain control by either reinstating the rules of the home or reminding people that the rules of the home are still in place. Now, for the adolescents in the home, it will be important to communicate why they feel that some of the rules are unjust and/or not working for them.
However, remember that as parents, we have the final say, regardless of our child’s dislikes of the rules. Also, the structure can only be reset by sticking to the rules. The next time our child breaks one, it is critical that the agreed-upon consequence happens and keeps happening until the behaviors change.
Helping the Entire Family Heal at Clearview
Julia Cameron also said, “Love is the substance of all life. Everything is connected in love, absolutely everything.” This includes the love between parents and their children.
Here at Clearview, we know that the only way a child can fully heal is by also healing those loved ones around them. This is why we focus on helping the entire family get well. When we incorporate the family in treatment and recovery, a family begins to walk the road of recovery together.
Children can pick up on your vulnerability, and if they are desperate, they will exploit it. This creates opportunities for the child to manipulate and lose trust in your home agreement. If you’re not following the agreement, why should they? It is important to observe the negative patterns that you and your child had prior to treatment. This can help you uncover your vulnerabilities and focus on the task at hand to create a more structured environment for your child in recovery. If you feel like your daughter may be struggling with addiction issues, we can help. For more information on how over-accommodating can degrade structure in the household, please reach out to Clearview Horizon today at 866-584-4788.
